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| um... |
| 03.27.04 (11:57 am) [edit] |
I dont know what's wrong with me today. I'm just kinda...blah. Nothing really bad has happend to make the day bad, but nothing good has happend either. Either way...the day's been...not good. I'm just kinda sitting here with a blank look on my face, and thinking. I wrote a couple of poems earlier. Nothing special. Just like this day. Just like me. Just like my entire life so far. I can only hope that i'm not as boring when i'm older. Quote me on that. I don't wanna become some old hag that sits in a rocking chair and the only friend she's got is her pen and notebook. Not cool. But, as for right now...that's all i've got. I'm just gonna keep being boring today.
Jess
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| Rachel's OBSESSED! |
| 03.27.04 (7:31 am) [edit] |
Went to uptown last night. These two girls went up to Bethany and scared her half to death. lol. They got kicked out.
Well....my dad went back into the hospital this morning. My grandma's in there too.
I'm not going to the wedding today. ::secretly screams with happiness:: I SO did not wanna go. My family hates me. I dont wanna see them ore than I have to. I would've liked to see my cousin get married, but as for everyones else that'll be there...they could fall off the face of the earth and I wouldn't give a crap. What a great family I have.
My mom's gonna be gone FOREVER...so I figure i'll be ordering a pizza sometime soon. Dawn and Brian might be coming over later. Watch. They'll come through the door, and i'll still be in my pj's. Not a pretty sight.
OOOO!!!!! we are going to state!!!!!!! We got a distinguished in ALL 3 SONGS!!!! Yeah buddy.
gtg!!!
Jess
**Rachel, if you sing that damn song one more time i'll have to ring your neck. lol. Not really. But I HATE that song.**
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| whatever. |
| 03.23.04 (1:03 pm) [edit] |
Cole asked Katt out today. She said yes. This is frickin' unfair. I'm glad she's happy though....I guess.
Cate's off DANCING right now. Whoa, Cate! lol. "shake it don't break it!" < just felt like sayin' it...lol. Gotta let me have some fun too.>
FESTIVAL is in [u][b]2[/b][/u] days!!! We are so gonna kick ass. DISTINGUISHED [b][u][i]PLEASE[/i]!!![/u ][/b]
Well....this spring break is gonna be boring. I can feel it.
Rachel, Matt, Katt & Cole are going to the movies friday. Katt wants me to come, but I dunno... I think it will feel really wierd. Like...being there while knowing that my best friend is going out with my X-bf, the guy that I've never lost my feelings for. It would just suck.
I need a life. A life that my grandmother can't compare to my cousins. I mean...Jenn's got her choir, her "acting", and her dance. Matt's got moto-cross, Mackenzie's got horseback riding. And what do I have? I dont have anything like that. I'm not even trying to sound un-grateful. It just seems like it's not enough to love music, and do things my way. I dont WANT to be like everyone else. I want to be my own person, with my own passions and interests. This girl likes music. I'm not gonna be sorry that it's my one and only thing. Thats just gonna have to be good enough for
EVERYONE ELSE. Worry about your own lives, will ya? Leave me alone.
**this day has been dull.**
Jess
oh, and P.S
Bethany has been referring to me as "razor blades" to people lately. Shaun told me. She needs to die. That just hurts.
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| stupid clumsey dumb ass. |
| 03.22.04 (8:47 pm) [edit] |
Cate walked home today. <3>I just split my chin open 'cause i'm a dumb clutz. I'll have to go to school like this tommorow, i'm afraid. oh well. just another scar to add to the collection. ::sigh:: whatever. it hurts like hell though. i'm just gonna stop letting Matt talk me into telling him things. it just leads to trouble, and somehow the blame's always on me. Rachel, you shouldn't have even told me.
Oh, and Cole and Katt are prolly gonna be going out soon. Lets leave that subject at that.
Goodnight,
Jess
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| wachamajigger |
| 03.21.04 (6:20 pm) [edit] |
*my dad has kidney stones. he's in the hospital. my mom's with him. i'm here with my aunt carolyn.* poor daddy.
well...i cant wait for school tommorow. i just wanna see everyone again i guess.
okay guys, i dont think Matt hates me. not anymore. & his shirt smelled like him (shut up.) Rachel wasn't there & i was happy about it, but i feel bad for feeling like that.
I think that Rachel and I are slowly patching things up. We're now writing notes to eachother like..3 times a day. I never have much to say though. Not like the things Katt and I talk about. For some reason Katt's easier to talk to about everything. And i mean everything. she understands me more than anyone right now, and I think she knows me more. I dont spend enough time with anyone else for them to have the chance to know me well. I feel wierd saying this. It's just that Cate and Rachel dont see me enough to know how i feel, or when im upset, or happy or anything. Now i feel like an awful friend for saying that. oh well. Oh, and Cate...PLEASE walk home more often!! i dont think you know how important it is to me that we see eachother more. It really feels like we're drifting apart.
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| bored. |
| 03.18.04 (8:15 pm) [edit] |
sneeking online again. tommorow's friday!! i've decided that matt hates me. yup. i think that i should be happy that he's got rachel and that rachel makes him happy. this week has been..boring, to say the least. i miss how things used to be. like when everyone had the same friends, and a minute away from eachother was like...completely painful. it's not like that anymore. i feel like i dont even know half of my friends these days. i've also decided that i'm not going to ask my mom to spend time with me anymore. she doesn't want to, and if i bug her about it and she does, it will all be some lie, and she'll feel obligated to. I dont want that. i want her to want to spend time with me, not be forced to. if she does stuff with me, and she hates it, it will probably make me feel worse than i already do. well...basically i got on here to tell everyone that i love them and that i miss them. I wish i could reverse time. like...back to when my parents trusted me. even if it was just a little. i liked actually having friends, and happy days at school, and laughing about nothing. okay, i still laugh about nothing....thats just me. but i'd change the way things have turned out if i could. thank you for being bored enough to read this.
jess
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| sneeky. |
| 03.13.04 (9:04 am) [edit] |
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sneaking on again. Sorry parents. Can't help it. I got "shrunk" again today. She made me cry. I hate her. I gotta go to Indiana today. Yup. Went to uptown last night. Cate and Shawn are going out, and i'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess..eh...I dunno. And yes, Cate, I prolly would go out with Matt, but I would most definatly consult you 1st. Just to see how you felt about it. hint hint. Anyways, yeah. I really REALLY like Matt. And it's creepy. lol. oh well. So is everything else.
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| lalala |
| 03.09.04 (7:32 pm) [edit] |
well. I'm not even supposed to be online. I'm a prisoner in my own home now. Can't do much of anything. The rents are now mad 'cause Z called like 5 times today. Including just now at 10:27. hehe. I thought it was funny. Well...I cant wait for the weekend. Um..i'll get back to you tommorow night. (hopefully)
Oh, and I wanna say thanks to all those bored people who actually read this. It does make me smile when theres a comment. Makes me feel...I dunno. Unforgotten about, I s'pose.
Jess
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| I hate her |
| 02.27.04 (1:48 pm) [edit] |
Rachel's being such a bitch to Katt. Rachel's jealous 'cause i'm "Katt's new best friend." Well FYI: I'm not trying to take away their friendship. Rachel hates me. Katt is really not getting along with Rachel right now, and I'm in the middle of it. I told Katt that i'd back off, and Katt told me that she didn't want me to..so I guess I wont. Rachel's being "depressed." She told Katt in a not that she's depressed 'cause she feels like she has to be in order to "undertand" Katt and me. BULL! We are not ALWAYS depressed. Fuck, we stole a shopping cart this afternoon, and we were singing the fucking barbie song. If thats being depressed..ugh..
Sooooo Katt's not allowed over at Rachel's anymore. Her mom hates her 'cause of her cutting.
Rachel's mad at me 'cause I IM'd her saying "nice job. You got Katt in trouble, and you upset her" and I cant make Katt feel better. She was over at my house a few minutes ago 'cause she left Rachel's when her mom asked Rachel if "she" was over there, and told her that it was Katt's last time being over there 'cause Katt's influencing her in wrong ways 'cause she SCRATCHES. UGGGGG I could ring her neck. I really really wanna. And I'm expecting a visit from BETHANY!! OOO goodie!!
Hug Hug Kiss Kiss!! LMAO
Jess
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| pissed off |
| 02.27.04 (1:37 pm) [edit] |
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I'm [u]so[/u] mad at Cole right now I could scream. Dude, today at school, Nicole told me that she saw Anna and Cole hugging in the hallway. Then after lunch, Katt told me that Anna'a always laying all over Cole, and he never stops her. THEN In Bernards room, He had yet another bite mark on his arm. I gave him this look, and he said that he got mad at her this time. After that class, Cole walked me to CADD. I didn't even hug him. Nothing. I was too pissed off. I went inside the class room, and this time I stayed by the door, so I could see Cole, and Anna comes up, and he's all like "hey!" And he gave her one of those long, I love you sorta hugs. (I can tell if it's a "Hay pal'" kinda hug or not. I just can.) And he saw me looking, and came into the class room, and he's like "Jess? Jessica! I'm sorry." I ignored him and walked away. I dont wanna be mad at him. But I am. I cant help it. Maybe i'm a drama queen..
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| "You're just a song and everyone knows the words" |
| 02.22.04 (12:38 pm) [edit] |
Okay people. Get serious for a second. Am I like...predictable? I mean..I almost never do anything outlandish, or out of the ordinary. I'm just here, doing my thing, and it's so boring. I dunno.
Is it at all possible to be "in love" with a guitar...? It's just..so..pretty..lol.
OMG!! I was so offended friday when my dad and I were in the Dowop Shop (or whatever it's called) Right there when we walked through the door, there was this sign that said "Girls Acustic Guitar". The thing was PINK!! and there was a bass shaped like a daisey, and it came with "colorful decals". ::pukes:: ugh..sorry. It just pissed me off. Sexist freaks...
And Rachel, you arent ugly! And Cate you aren't either! Not another word about it!
Jess
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| Goodbye |
| 02.21.04 (7:11 am) [edit] |
I'm leaving for Indiana soon. I haven't caught Cole online this morning, so I can't say goodbye. Shawn made me cry last night. When I got home, of corse. It was comming at uptown, but somehow I held it in. He like screamed at me for telling him to shut up. The only reason I even said anything is because he's always talking about cutting and killing himself. I hate it. I did cut last night. Just 3 cuts, though.
I'm invading Rachel and Katt's friendship, so i'm just gonna stop hanging out with both of them. I shouldn't be in the middle of their friendship. I guess i'm alone in the friend department for awile.
Alright, I really have got to go. Goodbye all. Oh, and don't pretend to miss me. It's really not worth it.
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| Boring as all hell |
| 02.19.04 (1:10 pm) [edit] |
I just love Cate's latest blog entry. Especially the part where she mocked what I said about Cole really caring about me, and Chris..well..let's just come out and say it. He doesn't give a damn about her, and the things he says are just plain mean. HOW can she not realize that she deserves better? She says she'll be alone for a long time, but I'd rather be alone than have someone that puts me down. I'll just stop this here.
Katt and Rachel aren't getting along too well right now.
I need a hair cut. :(
lalala
This day has been boring.
Jess
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| I hate this family. |
| 02.17.04 (6:11 pm) [edit] |
My mom just hit Andrew 'cause he laughed when she told him to get ready for school tommorow. I don't know what in hell I did, but she came in here and told me that it was my fault that these kids are the way they are. I swear..the next time she raises her fist at me i'm out of here and I am [b]not[/b] coming back. I hate this god damn family.
I'm not sure if I can control this anymore. I wanna cut...
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| oOoOoOo-----Don't ask. |
| 02.17.04 (1:45 pm) [edit] |
I ask my mother a simple question and she blows up in my face. I swear..this family has problems.
So..I have to be "respectful and non-rebelious" (if thats how you spell it) all day and she'll take me out shopping for clothes. My brother needs shoes anyway, so I thought i'd ask nicely if I could tag along, and we could stop by someplace and get what I need. It took like 20 minutes for an answer, and then I even got a speech about "how to treat your mother". Lovely.
**And now for the most terrible thing ever. Cate and Chris are together again, and it makes me want to puke. He said some awful stuff last night. I would never forgive Cole if he said that to me. But fortunalty, Cole's not like Chris. He actually cares about me. Sorry Cate, but from what I saw last night..Chris doesn't give a shit. All that shit about "not wanting to stoop to your level" ? What the hell was that. He's looking for attention. Thats it. "Fuck all you self-injurers"...::eye roll:: I hate him. **
::breathes::
I'm glad all that's out of me now.
Jess :roll:
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| ...and she smiles once again. |
| 02.16.04 (7:50 pm) [edit] |
well well. I just got home, and i'm already being put down. What's new? I won't see Cole till thursday. It sucks. Ya know, i'm beginning to like being evil towards my parents. It's..refreshing in an odd kinda way..
I guess it's cuz it gets to them so much, and they are being payed back for having me.
Cate's mom was having the most interesting conversation this evening. These are times when I wish I owned a tape recorder.
I found my favorite guitar pick!! I was so happy. It's just red and white striped, but in some way it's better than that rest. I know, i'm odd.
I desperatly need to do some laundry..I don't feel like it though..ugh.
Haha. Thats funny. Rachel C. and I are both listening to the Smashing Pumpkins. She told me yesterday that life isn't all that bad. I just make it seem that way. ::eye roll:: I love her, but she dont know shit.
I feel like..a half way normal person right now. It's a pretty nice feeling. Just watch. It'll change tommorow. It always does. But yeah, I'm happy for now.
Jess
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| The hills are alive with the sound of music.. |
| 02.16.04 (10:46 am) [edit] |
My mom's singing the theme from The Sound Of Music..lol. I'm so happy I might just join in!
Cole and I are back together, and I e-mailed Shawn. Maybe now i'll sleep at night.
And now hopefully, he wont be depressed anymore.
I'm just too friggin happy.
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| blah blah. |
| 02.15.04 (9:35 pm) [edit] |
I've got few words playing over and over in my head right now. I'm not crying anymore, but it could start up again any minute. I'm just a 14 year old girl, and in my opinion I shouldn't be thinking about all the things i'm thinking about lately. It's not fair and I can't handle it. I just can't. Not anymore. I've never been more ready to talk to someone. Problem is, there is nobody and I can't keep everything to myself anymore. This is pointless..
Jess
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| . |
| 02.14.04 (11:36 pm) [edit] |
it's 2:30 am. I just cut the hell outta my arm. I'm crying like a baby, and I don't know why. Cate's prolly mad at me now, but I can't blame her. I hate living. I want to die. All I ever do is make everyone's life miserable, so why be here anymore? Nothing makes sense anymore.
Jess
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| this odd thing happend tonight. |
| 02.13.04 (9:05 pm) [edit] |
It's funny how so many things can change when you're asked one little question that you've been wishing you'd be asked for a long time. That was a really long sentance. Anyways.. Shawn Ferris asked me out tonight. The odd things is, I was thinking of Cole when I was coming to an answer. I knew he'd be crushed if I told him I was going out with someone else. But the word "yes" came out of my mouth like i'd rehersed it ages. ( I have NOT stood in front of a mirror, and repeated the word. I swear.) Well..while Shawn was telling all his friends (including his X g/f) that I said yes, I saw Brittany crying. She had told me like 20 minutes earlier that she liked him, and she wanted to know if he had a g/f. I told her that he didn't, but he was still upset about Lauren and everything, so she might not wanna ask him or anything. She had seen him ask me, and she heard me say yes. She hates me now, but even though I dont wanna be the kind of person that does this sorta thing, I didn't really care whether or not she was crying over there. I realize that i'm a bitch, you dont need to tell me. But yeah. Now I feel TERRIBLE. And Cate, he said that he's gonna ask you for my # & stuff, 'cause we had like NO time to do all that. Be a doll and take care of that for me? please and thank you!!
Jess
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| "kiss me" |
| 02.13.04 (12:51 pm) [edit] |
Today was surprisingly cool. I was in a great (but wierdo) mood all day, no urge to cut at all, nobody was a bitch to me today...so yeah. Pretty cool. Except for the fact that my purse was "stolen". It could just be somebody playin a trick on me, and if it is they're goin down. I'm talkin to Cole now. It's wierd, but no matter how much I don't want to love him, I do. It's like...magic whenever i'm around him. I know that sounds [b]so[/b] pathetic or whatever, but it's true. If theres any way to tell that you let that "one person" go, it's definatly that feeling. If you don't have a clue what i'm talking about, dont feel bad. Nobody quite gets me nomatter what they say. But yeah. Today we were in Bernard's room, and I had these candy hearts ya know? And I gave him all the yellow ones. (i hate them) Anyways, the 1st one said "Yes", second, "yes", third, "yes", 4th "kiss me". I was seriously thinkin' about it.., but since I was in English class, and Bernard was staring at me...no. lol. Am I pathetic or what?
Jess
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| ..I just wanna die. |
| 02.11.04 (12:43 pm) [edit] |
yeah, i'm six days cut free.
I'm seriously depressed, and and I over did it on the pills today. I'm completly out of it. I'm numb. I hate it. I just don't like feeling this way, and the only way to stop it for a while is to cut. I dont know what else to do. My dad left for California this morning. My mom has already started on me. She had me crying this morning. She told me that I was a little bitch, and that i'm going to hell for the way I make her life miserable. I'm already in hell. That's what she doesn't get. I got 20 minutes of sleep last night. No joke. Everyones been asking me if i'm alright. I tell them i'm fine but they don't buy it. I just wanna die.
Jess
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| crap crap and more crap. |
| 02.10.04 (5:35 pm) [edit] |
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I was just up at the gas station, and Ozzy and his friends walked in and they had all been drinking. I thought Ozzy was smarter than that, but whatever. Anna's telling me that I said something that pissed her off, but seeing as how I never talk to her I think that Cole told her something that I said about her. I dont care. She can hate me. Tommorow is "wear anything J-town day." Joy. I'll be wearing my hoodie and a pair of pants lol. 'Cause I have to wear my baby blue j-town tee shirt on class color day. So yeah. I hate home coming week. It sucks ass. I stayed home from school today because of my throat. I'll be back there tommorow. My sister had a temp of 104 today. It was scary. She couldn't even walk. So yeah..we took her to the doc and he said it could be this one thing and she has to go back tommorow. I re-stocked my pill supply. It's very colorful. Theres alot of shit in there. And i got candy to last me for 50 million years and that's also in my purse. I'll be in heaven tommorow. Pills and candy. Best 2 things in the world. Besides other things that are just as great, but arent worth talkin about. Cole needs to get on. I just feel like talkin to him. I'm so annoyed at Ozzy. He needs to be lectured.
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| yeah. |
| 02.09.04 (7:31 pm) [edit] |
I dyed my hair tonight.
I like it. And it's not a [b]huge[/b] change or anything. My daddy says it makes my eyes stand out more. They're brighter he says. Whatever. I dont know if you'll like it or not, but I guess you'll have to see for yourself. Cole's a bit surprised. He wanted me to stay blonde forever. lol. He's still goin on and on about it.
I got kinda depressed earlier for no reason. I'm still like that. I donno whats wrong with me lately. I change moods alot. Except my sad ones last like a week most of the times. It makes alot of people get pissed off at me cuz im not my happy, bubbly self. Oh well. I'll get over it. I can barely talk my throat hurts so bad. It sucks.
Jess
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| nope nope nope |
| 02.09.04 (1:47 pm) [edit] |
well well well. I have to pee!!
::runs to the bathroom::
I'm back!!
alrighty then!!
This Anna girl needs to go back where she came from.
She's hanging all over Matt..and frankly, that pisses me off to an extent. (sorry, Cate..but it's true.) And then she's always flirting with Cole. I know I cant control him or anything (i wish) but he flirts with her too and it makes me wanna puke all over him. Cole disected a tampon today. lol. I had 2 tic-tac containers full of pills this morning, and now i'm down to less than half of one. I had plenty, Matt had some, and So did Rachel. so yeah..
I think thursday or something is class color day. (baby blue. ick.) This means i'm gonna have to buy a t-shirt from the bookstore. i'll just wear that and some jeans, and my companion long sleeve shirt. LOVELY!! Tommorow's pajama day..eh. I'm not participating. nope nope nope.
Jess
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Just because your dreams have died, don't drag me down. I've still got mine.
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